How Do I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me Deeply?

Forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

When someone betrays you, rejects you, lies to you, abuses you or treats you cruelly, forgiveness can feel almost impossible. You may know that the Bible tells you to forgive, but part of you may be thinking, “How can I forgive someone who did something like that to me?”

The Bible does not tell us that what happened was okay. It does not tell us that we have to pretend we were not hurt. Forgiveness also does not mean that you have to trust someone who has broken your trust or allow someone to continue hurting you.

Forgiveness means releasing the desire to personally repay the person for what they did and placing justice in God’s hands. It is choosing not to let bitterness control your heart while trusting God with the wrong that was done to you.

Sometimes forgiveness is not something you feel immediately. It can be a process where you repeatedly bring the pain back to God and ask Him to help you release it.

What Does the Bible Say About Forgiving Someone?

Jesus was very clear that His followers are called to forgive.

Matthew 6:14–15 — Jesus Teaches Us to Forgive

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Forgiveness is not optional for a Christian.

That does not mean forgiving someone will always be easy. It means that because God has shown us mercy, we are also called to show mercy to others.

This becomes especially difficult when the person who hurt us does not deserve our forgiveness in our eyes. But that is exactly why forgiveness is connected to grace.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean What They Did Was Okay

One of the biggest misunderstandings about forgiveness is thinking that forgiving someone means saying that what they did was not that bad.

It does not.

You can forgive someone while still acknowledging that what they did was wrong.

If someone abused you, forgiveness does not mean saying the abuse was acceptable.

If someone betrayed you, forgiveness does not mean pretending the betrayal did not matter.

If someone treated you cruelly, forgiveness does not mean you have to call their behaviour good.

God Himself does not call evil good.

Isaiah 5:20 — God Does Not Call Evil Good

“Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”

Forgiveness is not denying the truth.

You can tell the truth about what happened and still choose to forgive.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean Trusting Them Again

This is especially important when someone has seriously hurt you.

Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.

You can forgive someone without allowing them back into the same position of trust they previously had.

Trust is rebuilt through changed behaviour over time.

If someone has repeatedly hurt you, you are not required to ignore warning signs simply because you have forgiven them.

The Bible calls us to forgive, but it also gives us wisdom about how we deal with people.

Proverbs 22:3 — Wisdom Recognises Danger

“A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.”

Forgiveness does not require you to put yourself back into danger.

You can forgive someone and still have boundaries.

You can love someone and still keep your distance.

You can release bitterness without giving someone access to hurt you again.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean There Are No Consequences

Sometimes people think that if we forgive someone, we should immediately restore the relationship to how it was before.

That is not always biblical.

Forgiveness deals with the condition of your heart before God. Reconciliation involves both people, and it may require repentance, changed behaviour and rebuilding trust.

If someone has genuinely changed, reconciliation may eventually be possible.

But if they continue to hurt you, manipulate you or refuse to take responsibility for what they have done, you may need to maintain boundaries.

You can forgive someone without pretending the relationship is healthy.

Why Does God Ask Us to Forgive?

God calls us to forgive because He has forgiven us.

We have all sinned against God, and yet He offers us forgiveness through Jesus Christ.

That does not mean our sins were insignificant.

It means God’s mercy is greater than our sin.

Ephesians 4:32 — Forgive as God Forgave You

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

When we remember the mercy God has shown us, it can help us extend mercy to others.

That does not make their actions less serious.

It reminds us that we are not being asked to give something that God has never given us.

What If I Am Still Angry?

You can be angry about what happened and still be choosing forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean you will never feel angry again.

Sometimes the memories come back and the anger returns with them.

That does not necessarily mean you have failed to forgive.

It means you are still healing.

When the anger comes back, bring it back to God.

Tell Him honestly how you feel instead of allowing the anger to take control.

Psalm 62:8 — Pour Out Your Heart to God

“Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.”

God can handle your honesty.

You do not need to pretend that you are not angry.

You can tell Him exactly how deeply you were hurt and ask Him to help you release the anger without denying what happened.

What If I Keep Thinking About What They Did?

Sometimes the hardest part of forgiveness is your own thoughts.

You may replay the situation in your mind and think about what you wish you had said or done.

You may remember the person’s words years later and suddenly feel the same pain all over again.

When this happens, try not to condemn yourself for still being affected by it.

Instead, bring the memory to God again.

You can say, “God, this still hurts. I don’t want to carry this anymore. Please help me release it to You.”

Forgiveness can be something you choose repeatedly as God continues healing your heart.

Forgiveness Is Sometimes a Process

You may forgive someone today and then find yourself angry about it again tomorrow.

That does not necessarily mean your forgiveness was fake.

Deep wounds often take time to heal.

You may need to surrender the same hurt to God many times.

Each time the memories return, you can choose again not to seek revenge and not to allow bitterness to control your heart.

Colossians 3:12–13 — Bear With and Forgive One Another

“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”

Forgiveness can be a daily decision to walk in the character of Christ.

What If They Never Apologise?

This can make forgiveness even harder.

You may think, “Why should I forgive them when they have never even said sorry?”

But forgiveness does not have to wait for the other person to admit they were wrong.

If your forgiveness depends on their apology, you are still waiting for them to give you freedom from what they did.

Jesus calls us to release the debt to Him.

That does not mean the person escapes justice.

It means you stop trying to carry the responsibility of being their judge.

Romans 12:19 — Leave Vengeance to God

“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”

God sees what happened.

He knows the truth even if nobody else does.

You do not have to make sure the person gets what they deserve.

You can leave justice in God’s hands.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean Giving Up Justice

Forgiveness and justice are not opposites.

God cares about justice.

If someone has committed a crime or harmed another person, forgiving them does not mean that they should never face earthly consequences.

You can forgive someone and still report abuse.

You can forgive someone and still seek legal protection.

You can forgive someone and still protect yourself or your children.

You can forgive someone while allowing appropriate consequences to take place.

Forgiveness means you are releasing personal vengeance to God. It does not mean you have to prevent justice from being done.

What If I Want Them to Suffer Like I Suffered?

When someone hurts us deeply, it is natural to want them to understand what they put us through.

You may even want them to experience the same pain.

But holding onto that desire can keep you connected to the person who hurt you.

God does not ask you to become responsible for making them suffer.

He asks you to trust Him.

Romans 12:20–21 — Overcome Evil With Good

“Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”

The goal is not to pretend evil did not happen.

The goal is to refuse to allow the evil someone did to turn you into someone controlled by hatred and revenge.

What If I Cannot Forgive Them Yet?

If you are struggling to forgive, start by being honest with God.

You can pray:

“God, I know You have called me to forgive, but I don’t know how. I am still angry. I am still hurt. I need Your help because I cannot do this on my own.”

You do not have to pretend forgiveness is easy.

Ask God to work in your heart.

Ask Him to help you release the bitterness.

Ask Him to heal the places that were wounded.

Philippians 4:13 — Christ Gives Us Strength

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Forgiveness is not something you always have to force yourself to accomplish through your own strength.

Ask God to help you do what feels impossible.

You Can Forgive Without Forgetting

People sometimes say, “If I really forgave them, I would forget what happened.”

That is not necessarily true.

The Bible does not require you to erase painful memories.

There are things we should remember because they teach us wisdom.

Remembering what happened can help you recognise unhealthy behaviour, establish boundaries and avoid returning to dangerous situations.

The goal is not necessarily to forget.

The goal is to remember without allowing the memory to control you.

You can eventually reach a place where you remember what happened but no longer feel the same hatred, rage or desire for revenge.

That is part of healing.

Give the Pain to God

One of the most important parts of forgiveness is learning to give the pain to God.

You do not have to carry the responsibility of making everything right yourself.

God sees.

God knows.

God understands.

1 Peter 5:7 — Give Your Cares to God

“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”

Your pain matters to God.

You can bring the betrayal to Him.

You can bring the anger to Him.

You can bring the injustice to Him.

You can bring the memories to Him.

And you can trust Him with the parts that you cannot fix.

God Can Heal What Happened to You

Forgiveness is not only about the person who hurt you.

It is also about what happens inside you.

Bitterness can keep you emotionally connected to something that happened in the past.

You may find yourself thinking about the person constantly, even though you want nothing to do with them.

That is why forgiveness can become an act of freedom.

You are not saying, “What happened didn’t matter.”

You are saying, “What happened mattered, but I refuse to let it control the rest of my life.”

Psalm 147:3 — God Heals the Brokenhearted

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”

God cares about the wounds people cannot see.

He can begin healing places in your heart that have been hurting for years.

What If the Person Who Hurt Me Is Still in My Life?

Sometimes you cannot simply walk away.

It may be a family member, a former partner, a co-worker or someone you still have to interact with.

In those situations, forgiveness may look like choosing not to seek revenge while still maintaining healthy boundaries.

You can speak truthfully without being cruel.

You can be respectful without allowing manipulation.

You can forgive without pretending everything is okay.

And you can ask God for wisdom about how much contact is appropriate.

Forgiveness does not require you to give someone unlimited access to your life.

What If the Person Continues to Hurt Me?

If someone continues to harm you, forgiveness does not mean staying in the situation without protection.

God does not ask you to remain in abuse simply to prove that you have forgiven someone.

There is a difference between forgiving someone and allowing them to continue sinning against you.

You can forgive while creating distance.

You can forgive while seeking help.

You can forgive while setting firm boundaries.

You can forgive while protecting yourself from further harm.

Wisdom and forgiveness can exist together.

Pray for the Person Who Hurt You

Jesus gave an instruction that can feel incredibly difficult when someone has hurt us deeply.

He told His followers to pray for their enemies.

Matthew 5:44 — Pray for Your Enemies

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;”

Praying for someone does not mean asking God to ignore what they have done.

You might begin with something very simple:

“God, You know what this person has done. I place them in Your hands. Deal with their heart and bring justice where justice is needed. Please heal me and keep bitterness from taking over my heart.”

You may not immediately be able to pray beautiful prayers for someone who hurt you.

Start where you are.

God can work from there.

Remember How Much God Has Forgiven You

Forgiveness becomes easier to understand when we remember the forgiveness we have received from God.

Jesus told a parable about a servant who was forgiven an enormous debt but then refused to forgive someone else a much smaller debt.

The point was not that the wrong done to us does not matter.

The point was that we have received an enormous amount of mercy from God.

Matthew 18:21–22 — Forgive Again and Again

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

Jesus was teaching His followers to develop a heart that is willing to forgive rather than keeping a running list of every wrong someone has done.

That is difficult.

But we do not have to do it without God’s help.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean the Pain Was Not Real

Sometimes people who have been deeply hurt are told to “just forgive and move on.”

But healing can be more complicated than that.

You are allowed to acknowledge what happened.

You are allowed to grieve.

You are allowed to recognise that something deeply wrong happened to you.

You are allowed to seek help.

You are allowed to establish boundaries.

You are allowed to take time.

None of those things mean that you are refusing to forgive.

God cares about truth as much as He cares about forgiveness.

How Do I Actually Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me Deeply?

Start by telling God the truth about what happened.

Do not minimise it.

Do not pretend it did not hurt.

Tell Him exactly how angry, betrayed, broken or disappointed you feel.

Then ask Him to help you forgive.

You may need to make the decision to release the person into God’s hands even before your emotions catch up with that decision.

When the pain comes back, bring it back to God.

When anger returns, give it to Him again.

When you are tempted to imagine revenge, ask God to take that desire away.

If appropriate, make healthy boundaries and protect yourself from further harm.

And remember that forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation or restored trust.

You can forgive someone while still recognising that the relationship may never be what it once was.

A Prayer for Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You

If you do not know what to say to God, you can start with something like this:

“Father, You know what happened to me. You know how deeply this person hurt me, and You know the pain I still carry. I don’t want bitterness and anger to control my life, but I also don’t want to pretend that what happened was okay. Please help me forgive this person and place the situation into Your hands. Give me wisdom about the boundaries I need, protect me from further harm and heal the parts of my heart that have been wounded. Help me trust You with justice and give me the strength to move forward without carrying hatred. Thank You for forgiving me through Jesus. Help me extend the same mercy that You have shown me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

How Do I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me Deeply?

Forgiving someone who deeply hurt you does not mean saying that their actions were okay.

It does not mean forgetting.

It does not mean trusting them again.

It does not mean allowing them to continue hurting you.

And it does not mean that justice no longer matters.

Forgiveness means choosing to release the person and the desire for personal revenge into God’s hands.

Sometimes you will have to make that choice more than once.

The pain may come back, and when it does, you can bring it back to God again.

Ephesians 4:31–32 — Let Go of Bitterness

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

God does not want what someone did to you to control the rest of your life.

He wants to bring healing where there has been pain.

He wants to free you from bitterness.

He wants you to be able to move forward without carrying the weight of what someone else did forever.

You may not be able to change what happened.

You may not be able to make that person apologise.

You may not be able to make them understand what they did.

But you can place them in God’s hands.

You can ask God to heal you.

You can set the boundaries you need.

And, with God’s help, you can choose forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not say that what happened was okay. It says that what happened will not have the final say over your life.

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